You never Marry the Right Person

Posted by Dennis – thanks to Dennis and the team at www.actlikeaman.org for giving this to us to post…

As I am reading the book “The meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller the more I am made aware of the meaning of marriage and relationships.

Most of the singles I know would use compatibility as a measure of whether they are going to marry someone or not. On paper, it really looks good but as we see in reality and even in Scripture the quest for compatibility seems impossible to achieve.

did I marry the right person

Some say if it is real love then it must come naturally. I am also working on that premise when I was starting out in marriage because I thought that is how love moves. Now I know why they say LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

So why am I saying that you never marry the right person:

Because no two people are compatible.

Destructive to marriage is the self fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment necessary for us to become whole and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. it fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it awhile and he or she will change. For marriage, being the enormous thing it is, means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

Source: Stanley Hauerwas, “Sex and Politics: Bertrand Russell and Human Sexuality,” Christian Century, April 19, 1978, 417-422.

What Stanley Hauerwas is showing us is that looking for the perfect compatible partner is an impossibility. The moment you marry someone, you and your spouse begin to change in profound ways, and you can’t know ahead of time what those changes will be.

For Thammie and me it is learning to love the person we didn’t marry. She didn’t marry the proud Dennis. She doesn’t have a clue how proud I could be but she decided to love me. You hear it from older couples who have a successful marriage. Until today after being married for more than 4 decades they would say that they are still finding something new with their spouse. That is why as men we should study our wife. Know her, listen to her and study her.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *